What are you so afraid of? Why are your fists clenched so tightly?

For some of us, especially as performing artists, this time of year always brings the question of next season. "Where will you be? Are you moving again? Do you really want to do this again for another whole year?" Those are just a small amount of the ever growing list that we ask ourselves as we pray and consider where our feet will be after summer has ended. I am reminded of a song,"So Far Away" by Carole King, where there is a line that goes, "So far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?" If someone looked at the places I have roamed for the past five years they could assume that I have commitment issues or am on the run from these places I haven't lived in long enough to rightly call "home",  I am there just long enough for roots to feel comfortable to extend into the ground then SWOOSH. On the road again. For me at this time in my life, being in a place for an entire year seems quite a long time and considering to stay beyond that seems like eternity. (We must remember, drama queen over here.) This has the potential to sound extremely pretentious, take it how you will, but there are very few people in my life at the moment who seem to understand this wandering tendency of mine. Hell, sometimes I even have trouble seeing why I am drawn to the life on to move. But when the words pour out of how the longing to move again has risen, I am usually met with bewildered looks that scream, "Don't you like us enough to stay?". Those looks and questions cause aches in my heart that are never welcome. It's the people I am drawn to in new places and it's also people that I cannot imagine leaving when a move is ahead. When Jesus broke through and extended His hand to draw me up out of the pit, He placed His love inside of me. Before that my view and expression of love was warped and corrupt. Now, whether I like or not, this love in my heart is DRAWN to the hurting, the broken, the far-off. There are times, to be blunt and raw with you, that I wish I had never gone to Africa. Never lived in a country that challenged me in ways I couldn't dream of. Never met the beautiful souls of children that changed my life forever and ever. Never had my horizons and vision expanded. Because once that happens, your view of this life and this world are FOREVER CHANGED. You can never erase the suffering witnessed or testing of your faith. All the beautiful, all the precious, all the newness will remain imprinted in your memory. These past 19 months since returning from the mission field have been a time of testing, renewal, joy, and sharing. As I seek and pray, there is a calling in my heart to go out again. Where? I have an idea of where, but at this point I cannot say. Is it just a selfish desire to go? I always, always ask myself that question. Right now, vision is needed. More than anything a right view of the Heavenly Father, set high above my longings or petitions. A pining for a pure heart to "pray without ceasing". This excerpt from J.I. Packer's "Praying" is spot on:

“How then shall we spell out the dimensions of purity of heart? It is a matter of saying and meaning what originally the psalmist said: “ Whom have I in heaven but you? / And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you” (Psalm 73:25) - nothing, that is, that I would not consent to lose if adhering to God required it. Thus, it is a matter of wanting and valuing “fellowship..with the Father and with His Son.” ( 1 John 1:3) more than I want or value anything else in the world.

Whoever is taking the time to read this jumble of words, I am asking for your intercession for guidance. That I would be obedient and faithful to remaining in this mission field or planting roots on new soil. There is excitement in walking with Jesus and emptying ourselves to be used by One who freely chooses to use His broken kiddos. May we "channel our thoughts toward God, focusing on the great things He has done - in creation, in providence, in grace - and thus think in a directed and disciplined way, so that He fills the horizon of our thoughts, though we are embattled by life's circumstances." (Packer) 

Oh, how we love You.